Meet a Half Man - Our Interview With Jonah

Nick is looking for the other half of Jonah.

(Editor's note: This is the second installment in a three-part series of weekly interviews with the men who make this blog happen.  Click here for Part I). 

I met the Short Order Cook at the library.  He was at a table completely surrounded by books: pre-calc, history, physics, the complete works of Shakespeare, four of the Sweet Valley Twins series, Beezus and Ramona, a devotional, a book about cats, and a "how-to" book. 

Pssst - hey - I'm over here. Hurry up, I don't have much time. Gotta get this pre-calc done or Mrs. DeRoche will have my half-ass.

I wanted to start at the beginning and ask the question that's been on everyone's mind this season: why stay so trim if he was going to snap the ball and battle the fatties?  Wasting no time, Jonah handed me a photo of him as a youth.  

When I was a kid, I was more one-and-a-half-man than half-man.  I got teased a little bit.  Look, I always had my special friends - Rebecca and Jessica were always there for me - but it was a traumatic experience.  I never wanted to feel that way again.  EVER.  So, no matter what position the coaches put me in, I'm always going to stay a half-man.  Hey, you're not going to use that picture on the website, are you?

Yes, yes I am.

God.  Really?  C'mon.  Well, at least let everyone know I'm holding a first place trophy in that picture.  First place for my haircut.  That cut was pretty cool back then.

Noted.  Now Jonah, we've heard you've been recently named a co-head coach of the Junior powder puff football team along with full-man, Nick.  Congrats, lil' buddy!

Thanks man.  It's really exciting.  Practices have been more intense than I ever imagined.  I really think the Juniors have a shot to win this year.  But Nick is spending all his time tutoring the quarterback. 

I explained that it made sense that Nick would work with the quarterback.

Sure, but he could do something else, too!  I mean, I'm already not sleeping.  I can barely watch game film.  I'm not showing up at student council stuff.  I need some help.  And have you SEEN how crazy some of these girls are?  Just look at this picture taken from practice yesterday:

Uhhh, Eden... I just want you to know you've always been my favorite sister-in-law, and I'm sorry for all the times I teased you.

Yes, girls can be crazy.  Nonetheless, it seems like he's doing just fine without sleep and watching game film.

Easy for you to say.  I'm under so much pressure.  No.  Literally.  Have you seen how fat the guys I have to block are?  They're enormous.  LOTS of pressure there, bro.  Also, I'm feeling a little under the weather. 

Deciding it would be better to leave and stay healthy than stay and risk illness, I got up to leave.

Hey - wait! You can't leave yet.  We haven't even talked about how brilliant I am.  You said the focus of the interview was gonna be on how I'm such great student and the other day Eden called me a "master debater."  Can't you write about how rare that is in football these days.

I'm not so sure it's hard to find master debaters on a high school football team, but, sure - let's talk about how brilliant you are. First, why "master debater?" 

Well, Eden and I were having this really high-minded discussion and, at the end, she conceded the point after calling me a "master debater."  

I'm not gonna touch that one.  How about schoolwork?

All A's.   They call me the Little Aristotle. 

I see you have a book on Shakespeare on your desk.  Do you have to read a Shakespeare play?

Yup.

I asked him which one, and he answered after scanning the book.

William.

Anything else?

I'm into politics.  You know, gotta follow the world and all.  

How about work - you have any part time jobs?

Yeah, I umpire in the summer for little league.

How sweet.  Any career aspirations?

Fireman, for sure.  Did you know that there was a fire in the Sheboygan South High School library last week?  They lost 60 books.

No.  That's awful.

Yeah.  But the real tragedy is 50 of them weren't colored yet.

Go Ships!

Giving the People What They Wanted

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH Buddy!  You want touchdowns?  He'll give you touchdowns.  And a little something extra just for showin' up...

But first things first:  has anyone ever looked better in warmups?

"What'dju say?"

So. Darn. Cool.

Torque.

He wasn't done.  Nope.  Warmups were just the beginning.  He was blocking on kickoffs:

Well, maybe "blocking" isn't the right word.

Returning post-safety punts:

It's mine, Pistol.  Get your own!

Jonah - the idea is to be in front of Nick.  You know, so you can block someone?

Our hero also continued to hold like a champ:

"This is too easy."

And gossip about his sister:

"Really?  She wore black with brown?  That's RIDICULOUS!"

But then, he took his rightful place behind Jonah:

"Still working out, I see."

"Every day I'm Wagglin'"

TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!

But the coaches had enough.  After going up 51-0, there was only one thing they let Nick work on:

Playfake, snitches.

Just One Half

Austin, and most of the team, actually, lasted just over a half before being pulled in favor of some seniors who don't get a lot of run.  Luckily, I was able to catch a couple of good shots during warmups to make up for it. 

What?  Big yellow helmets are all the rage.

He heard there was pizza in the north end zone.

Good penetration on the forced fumble.

"YYYYYYYYYYYYY. M. C. A"

It's not my fault, coach. I hear that song and I just gotta dance, dance, dance!

Prey, meet predator.

Austin's dress for Homecoming?

Pancakes for Breakfast Again?

Jonah got it goin' Friday night.  I swear, every week his opponents get bigger and bigger.  Does. Not. Matter.

Ever wonder how he got so good at making pancakes?

I'm all out of pancake jokes.

Nothing like a tasty beverage to wash those pancakes down.

This one actually looks like a fair fight.

Not a fair fight.

These next three photos are all of one play.  It'll give you a good idea of what the Short Order Cook is doing during the game.

First of all, #74 is a Ticonderoga Class Cruiser, tipping the scales at 300 pounds.

Cook don't care.  He just keeps drive blocking.

And that's how far he took a 300 pound defensive lineman for a ride.  I no longer feel bad about being thrown off that raft.

He's got 300lber in his teeth.

Uh, Jonah?  Get in front of the team the next time your butt itches.  We can see you.

Parents' Night

I'd be remiss if I didn't pay tribute to the parents who raised our two and a half men...

Hey, Jonah - don't look so happy!  C'mon, man.  You'll have plenty of time to bust playas up soon...

See - look at Nick.  That's how's it's done.  Everybody's happy here...

Derek: "What is your mother doing?"  Austin: "I'm not even gonna look"

Austin:  "Wait, Dad, NO!  He's gonna put that on his blog!"

Susie:  "Blog?  SIGN ME UP!"

9/23 Green Bay East 0 - Lincoln 51

This one got ugly quickly.  In the Ships' triumphant return to Rubick Field, East could not end their 329 game losing streak.  Sources informed me that it got a little dusty on the East sideline after the game.  I don't know what would have happened had, say, the offense completed at least 50% of their passes.  Or if any of the running backs broke a long run.  It was an odd game to watch: a blowout with no big offensive plays.  


We'll talk about Nick's second rushing touchdown, Jonah filling up on pancakes, and TFL's for Austin in later posts.  Let's just get to the action...

#Schmoozing.

Let's not forget that it was Parent's Night! Or that Pistol clearly thinks our staff photographer is a creep!

"Yeah, I think we have the best looking assistant coaches in the conference."

The Captains' Meeting and Coin Toss are the most underrated moments of Friday night lights.  If they can get everyone in the weight room this offseason, we should be seeing two and a half men out there next year.

This one's just for me.  I like that I caught the coin.

Tanner started out the game throwing into coverage...

And overthrowing the Pistol...

And, well, you get the point.

In other news, the Mayor has ended the city's feed the poor program:  NO SOUP FOR YOU!

Hall came to play.  First, forcing an intentional grounding penalty...

Then, on the very next play, cradling the punter to bring him to "safety."

Tanner doesn't ever miss Pistol twice in one game...

Aww hell.  I'll say this for our QB, though - he knows when to get his bad game out of the way.

Hey, Pistol - you aint' draggin' Fatty McFatters AND #54.  Just stop and don't hurt yourself.

It's always bromantical when the Ships score a touchdown.

I gotta give props to the Hogs, here.  I mean, just LOOK at that running lane.  Big A had no one to block.

Flying to the ball.  Literally.

The other underrated part of Friday night lights.

The backups came in shortly after halftime.  There's really only one thing I want to emphasize about their performance, which was excellent, by the way.

Check out the Big O chasing down the one player who could (would) have made a tackle on Clubber.

Without that block, Clubber doesn't score.  And he doesn't get interviewed for the paper, either.  So Clubber better give the Big O some love this week, cause that block was AWESOME.

Finally, how many points did East score?

Looks like a "zero" to me.