Meet a Half Man - Our Interview With Jonah

Nick is looking for the other half of Jonah.

(Editor's note: This is the second installment in a three-part series of weekly interviews with the men who make this blog happen.  Click here for Part I). 

I met the Short Order Cook at the library.  He was at a table completely surrounded by books: pre-calc, history, physics, the complete works of Shakespeare, four of the Sweet Valley Twins series, Beezus and Ramona, a devotional, a book about cats, and a "how-to" book. 

Pssst - hey - I'm over here. Hurry up, I don't have much time. Gotta get this pre-calc done or Mrs. DeRoche will have my half-ass.

I wanted to start at the beginning and ask the question that's been on everyone's mind this season: why stay so trim if he was going to snap the ball and battle the fatties?  Wasting no time, Jonah handed me a photo of him as a youth.  

When I was a kid, I was more one-and-a-half-man than half-man.  I got teased a little bit.  Look, I always had my special friends - Rebecca and Jessica were always there for me - but it was a traumatic experience.  I never wanted to feel that way again.  EVER.  So, no matter what position the coaches put me in, I'm always going to stay a half-man.  Hey, you're not going to use that picture on the website, are you?

Yes, yes I am.

God.  Really?  C'mon.  Well, at least let everyone know I'm holding a first place trophy in that picture.  First place for my haircut.  That cut was pretty cool back then.

Noted.  Now Jonah, we've heard you've been recently named a co-head coach of the Junior powder puff football team along with full-man, Nick.  Congrats, lil' buddy!

Thanks man.  It's really exciting.  Practices have been more intense than I ever imagined.  I really think the Juniors have a shot to win this year.  But Nick is spending all his time tutoring the quarterback. 

I explained that it made sense that Nick would work with the quarterback.

Sure, but he could do something else, too!  I mean, I'm already not sleeping.  I can barely watch game film.  I'm not showing up at student council stuff.  I need some help.  And have you SEEN how crazy some of these girls are?  Just look at this picture taken from practice yesterday:

Uhhh, Eden... I just want you to know you've always been my favorite sister-in-law, and I'm sorry for all the times I teased you.

Yes, girls can be crazy.  Nonetheless, it seems like he's doing just fine without sleep and watching game film.

Easy for you to say.  I'm under so much pressure.  No.  Literally.  Have you seen how fat the guys I have to block are?  They're enormous.  LOTS of pressure there, bro.  Also, I'm feeling a little under the weather. 

Deciding it would be better to leave and stay healthy than stay and risk illness, I got up to leave.

Hey - wait! You can't leave yet.  We haven't even talked about how brilliant I am.  You said the focus of the interview was gonna be on how I'm such great student and the other day Eden called me a "master debater."  Can't you write about how rare that is in football these days.

I'm not so sure it's hard to find master debaters on a high school football team, but, sure - let's talk about how brilliant you are. First, why "master debater?" 

Well, Eden and I were having this really high-minded discussion and, at the end, she conceded the point after calling me a "master debater."  

I'm not gonna touch that one.  How about schoolwork?

All A's.   They call me the Little Aristotle. 

I see you have a book on Shakespeare on your desk.  Do you have to read a Shakespeare play?

Yup.

I asked him which one, and he answered after scanning the book.

William.

Anything else?

I'm into politics.  You know, gotta follow the world and all.  

How about work - you have any part time jobs?

Yeah, I umpire in the summer for little league.

How sweet.  Any career aspirations?

Fireman, for sure.  Did you know that there was a fire in the Sheboygan South High School library last week?  They lost 60 books.

No.  That's awful.

Yeah.  But the real tragedy is 50 of them weren't colored yet.

Go Ships!