The Kitchen Is Closed

Dear Half-Man of the Year,

Bravo! You gave a man who had little understanding of offensive line play a reason to study and appreciate it.  It may sound silly to my female readers (if there are any) but anytime I learn a new way to appreciate football, I'm a happy man.

That being said, STOP LOSING WEIGHT!  I know it's wrestling season now and you've been locked in that sauna for 36 hours... but stop.  Have some Halloween candy. Challenge yourself and wrestle at a normal weight class.  You know losing weight like that is unhealthy.  And all I care about is your well-being.  I would never give you that advice out of fear for how you'll block next season if you're even skinnier than you already are.  Never.  Really.  Honestly.  Why is everyone rolling their eyes?

As far as advice for next year - I have no idea.  You could do what this guy does, as long as you hit the weights and Bongo's program.  But advice for a half-man center?  That's new territory for me.  I will say this - go be a leader with Austin and Nick.  Get everyone involved.  Spread the word of how much fun you had this season, just in case there's someone out there who didn't notice.  Also, dress like me again.  You really never looked better.  Although, I won't be held responsible for stampede of women you'll leave in your wake.

He'll Need a New Nickname

Dear First-Team, All-Dreamboat, Ships' utility player,

First things first: you can start focusing on just one position now.  Well, who knows, I suppose.  But I don't think you'll be playing QB, RB, WR, CB, holder, and playing on the kick return unit next year.  But, who knows?  For now, though, the focus will be on improving your arm strength (no, not bicep curls), accuracy, agility, speed, and making sure your threads are tight, yo.  While it was exciting watching you do your thang anytime you got in the game this season, it'll be nuts seeing you touch the ball on every offensive play next year.

We also want you to be a leader with Austin - go read the last Austin post for the specifics.  Basically, you have some big First-Team All-FRCC shoes to fill.  It'll take hard work to fill them.  Go play basketball, but when you're done, take a day week off and then join Austin and his posse in the weight room, speed and agility training, and recruiting new talent.  In addition, find any and everyone you might be throwing passes to next year and get together once, if not twice, a week and play catch.  Tanner and Pistol didn't just do what they did without practice.  The more time you spend practicing with your receivers, the more you'll understand where they'll be, where they like the ball, and when you can trust them to make a catch.  That'll lead to success on the field.  I was a defensive back, but every week, usually 3 or 4 times a week after basketball was over, our quarterback, top two wide receivers, running back, a linebacker, and four defensive backs played a smaller version of 7 on 7 in the fieldhouse after school, usually for 45 minutes to an hour, before we lifted.  We all got better for it, and took it outside when the weather got better.  You don't have to do that.  But if you can, you should.  Plus, it's a ton of fun.

Thanks again for a special season.  Thanks for those two HB option passes that were dead-on.  Thanks for the rushing touchdowns.  Thanks for plowing forward on 4th down for a 1st down during the now-famous final drive of the Homecoming game.  Thanks for playing defense in a playoff game.  But, most of all, thanks for taking my crap all year.  I kid because I care.  Here's some pretty pictures for your trouble...

Homework

To the First-Team, All-Conference defensive end:

We loved watching you play this season.  The improvement you made from game 1 to game 11 was simply magnificent.  It really was.  You came off a successful sophomore campaign only to get better and better as the days grew shorter and shorter.  But there's still a lot of work to do.  The weight room, Bongo's speed and agility program, and your work at camps this upcoming summer are, quite frankly, givens.  But you've also got to remember to keep eating.  I want your stomach to look less like Jonah's and more like mine.  You've also got stop sleeping.  No, really.  You need to do whatever it takes to break that bad habit of leaving your feet.  You can't make a play if you're on the ground.  But the most important thing you've got to do is make sure you get every real man from the classes of 2013 and 2014 into the weight room and on Bongo's program with you.  Every day.  I'm actually serious about this one.  Leaders get their teammates into the weight room.  And, while they're there, leaders make sure everyone is working and not screwing around.  Leaders also recruit new teammates.  Leaders tell these men, would you rather look like this.  Or like THIS!  You've got to be a leader.  Who knows?  Maybe next year at this time you become the first Lincoln team in years to get to Level 3 and beyond.  So much can happen in just one 9 month period.  Oh yes, only 9 months.  Your homework is due August 6, 2012. 

10/28 Hamilton 27 - Lincoln 24 OT - Level 2

One last time...

Well, that happened.  The Ships were on the wrong side of a thriller for the first time this season, but they did not go gently into that good night.  Down 21-7 with 7 minutes left in the 4th quarter, the Ships did not hang their heads.  They did not feel sorry for themselves.  They raged.  Oh, indeed, they raged.  Tanner stepped up on his biggest play of the season, completing a huge 4th down pass to Pistol by stepping up and GUNNING the ball for a 10-ish yard gain and a first down.  Suzuki later ripped off an 18 yard touchdown run, led by a great block by the Island of Austin Morreau.  On the ensuing kickoff, The Mayor leveled a hit so vicious, the Charger (who fumbled immediately) was down for 7 and a half minutes (somehow, he returned to the game - how his ribs weren't cracked, I'll never know).

While the Ships failed to score on that drive, Lincoln got the ball back after an excellent three and out, plus a failed punt-fake by Hamilton.  After a false start (thanks student section), the Ships had to pass on 1st and 15.  Interception.  But all was not lost.  The defense bore down, again, forcing another three and out.  After an actual punt, Lincoln went to their best play - HB option pass.  The Swiss Army Knife completed a rainbow to Pistol for 40 yards (Pistol - you were even held coming out of the blocks... how'd you get so far behind them!?!)  After a couple of failed runs from inside the 5, Suzuki, led by another fantastic block by the Island of Austin Morreau, scored a touchdown to seemingly tie the game.

Now, I say "seemingly" because an extra point isn't a sure thing and the coaches may have wanted to go for a 2-point conversion.  The coaching staff, correctly, played the percentages and opted for the extra point.  Mr. Vance's kick, however, was the lowest line-drive PAT I've ever seen make it through the uprights.  I swear, that ball was almost under the crossbar when it ricocheted up and over, clearing the sticks for the extra point.

Sure, OT sucked.  You'll hear no argument from me.  Just remember that only one team in Division 1 ends the season with a win.  The odds were against you.  You had a great chance but, really, a coin-toss was all the difference.  You had a great season, one that you will remember for the rest of your lives.  Heck, I saw two former Ships from the 80's wearing their old jerseys this weekend, and they don't have rings, either.  So, congratulations on a great season.  Let's get to the pictures.

No Rest for the Wicked

They don't want to slap your hand, Nick.

That was pretty cool.  Nick made his debut as a defensive back laying the kind of wood that the Mayor would have been proud of.  Later, in a classy move by Coach D, the Swiss Army Knife played the entire second half at quarterback... all while playing defensive back, too.  The Swiss Army Knife goes both ways now?

Playoff Pancakes!

"It's just me against the world, baby..."

Sure, the Short Order Cook was called for a holding penalty (first of the year?) but he still spearheaded a group that dominated their opponent for another 300 yard rushing day by the Ships.  Well done, sir.  Well done indeed.

Resting for Level 2

With Austin heading to East Lansing for tonight's Badgers/Spartans game, it's good that he had a lot of rest last night, playing just 6 snaps before the Ships went up 35-0 (all stats approximate).  Enjoy the recruiting trail, buddy, but when you get back here, hit the film, gym, and field hard.

10/21 Milwaukee Madison 0 - Lincoln 42 - Level 1

It's always a great night for a game.

The Knights never had a chance.  We knew it.  They knew it.  But we had to go through that charade all the same.  The Milwaukee public schools just don't have the resources to compete, to say nothing about having enough kids without jobs to field a team or schedule practices that everyone can make.  Nope, this game was always going to be just like that scene in American History X - a complete curb stomping.  Gentlemen, this was and will be your first and only playoff game that was over before halftime.  Time to switch gears and get ready for a capable team.  But first, let's take a look at the action.

The Ring Is The Thing

You know you want it.

It's a new season.  That's no cliche.  The playoffs are different in every way from the regular season.  I've been through this five game grind and, as you can see above, I know what it takes to succeed in it.  You have to dig down deep and find the best of you.  You have to ask yourself, each day, what you're willing to sacrifice in order to play in Camp Randall.  It's not going to be easy, but it'll be a hell of a ride.

Rather than try and break down the playoff bracket or offer advice to defeat a team I've never seen play, I'm just going to offer some wisdom gained from my own experience trying to win a state championship:

Someone Got a Widdle Chilly

You know that long sleeves aren't against the rules, right?

What can you say about the Short Order Cook and the rest of the hogs Friday night?  The Load, the Island of Austin Morreau and the rest of 'em pounded the birds for 356 yards rushing on 52 carries.  But before I get to the pictures, I gotta get this off my chest:

Wear long sleeves!  Wear the tights!  Wear whatever will help you stay warm during the game!  Why do you think going sleeveless is what a "Real Man" would do?  You know how you can prove you're a real man?  Stay warm (which will increase your performance) and kick the other guy's ass all over the field!  This isn't 1938.  We know you play better when you aren't freezing cold.  Buy a thermal and some tights and go kick some ass during the playoffs!  Take it from someone who knows: you don't want to play in snow without sleeves, so go get them now!

Adding a New Position?

Does this even need a caption?

The rumor around town all week was that Nick was working at cornerback with the defense during most of his practice time.  I couldn't have been more excited, not only because it would add another "tool" to the Swiss Army Knife's repertoire, but also because if the Ships have a weakness on defense, it is defending the pass.  When I heard the news, I had visions of an Aqib Talib-type Cover-2 corner: big, physical, and only having to deal with a 15x30 box in zone Cover-2.  It was a revelation - Nick's perfect for that kind of thing and a Cover-2 would give passing teams fits.  So I went to Wissports to check De Pere's season stats and saw that the Redbirds were throwing the ball 13 times a game!  Looked like we might see that Cover-2 package.

Nope.  Despite the Redbirds making what must have been a season-high 45 pass attempts, the base defense didn't change at all during the game - Cover 3 with allowances for trips and/or 5 WR packages from De Pere.  Oh well.  Maybe they're putting it in for the playoffs!

In any event, Nick saw some action at wide receiver and did what everyone else on the team did: he dropped one of Tanner's passes!  Nick, I'm sure your parents have already asked you this, but: if all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you jump off too?  Exactly.  You didn't have to drop that pass just to fit in with everyone else.  Be a leader and catch that pass next time!

His Best Game Yet

I would hate to see him line up across from me.

The Bear had his best game yet.  Lots of pressure, near-sacks, a forced intentional grounding, great pad level, and he stayed on his feet.  Overall, he did everything I wanted, except use his swim move.

10/15 De Pere 14 - Lincoln 34 - Senior Night

I'm not sure why a bunch of white, teenage girls love Mexican men but, whatever.

Undefeated regular season!  That is impressive.  Great job to everyone on that team.  We've really enjoyed the ride and can't wait for the playoffs.  But before you worry about the playoffs, take the weekend and enjoy 9-0.  Don't worry about 0-0 yet (that'll come Monday).  Take it from me - live in the moment of this.  What you've accomplished with all those countless hours in the gym, practice field, and classroom - it's just awesome!

As for the game, well, we've been spoiled.  This was a 34-14 and I got the sense that some people were disappointed.  That's just silly.  Coming into the game, the Ships were averaging 38 points per game in conference play while giving up 10 per game.  So, yes, 34-14 is slightly below average.  But they were playing an opponent who averaged 16 points per game in conference play, but was giving up just 12.5 per game.  We held them below their average in points scored and we wrecked their defensive average.  Oh, I think it also should be noted that there were only two teams in the conference that gave up less than 14 points per game (Manitowoc and Green Bay SW).  Also, there was only one team (Manitowoc) that averaged more than 34 points per game in conference (Ashwaubenon was second, scoring 28 per game).  It was a good game but a long game.  I guess you'll have that when the other team has 45 pass attempts (please, coaches - pretty please - put in a man cover 2... you have the athletes, just use them).

As always, the story is best told in pretty pictures.  So sit back and put down the remote.  I heard the camera clicking a lot this game...

Happy Birthday Nick

Two first downs on the final drive?  Pffft!  How about two moms!

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH BUDDY!   Waaaaaa-hoooooo!  Everyone in my section was excited for the shotgun, 4 wide set that the Ships ran on that final drive.  I think I heard more "It's about time they abandon that stupid Wing-T" and "Someone told them it's 2011!"'s than I would have guessed.  I was just excited to see Nick on the field (I can't believe that one of the 10 best athletes on the team rarely plays - that's just criminal).  And then he came up with two huge 1st downs!  And a really heady drop!  Too.  Good.  What a nice early 17th birthday present.

He Came To Play On The Final Drive

I don't want to be a downer - I'm still flying from the end of that game - but this wasn't Jonah's best game.  In fact, it looked like he didn't eat his Wheaties.  Who would have thought the Short Order Cook would be better making pancakes at night than on a beautiful Saturday afternoon?  Actually, it probably was just the competition - I think I know who Jonah would vote for at DT if he had an All-Conference vote.  On the other hand, Jonah played like a champ on that final drive, only making one bad snap from his hated shotgun formation (Tanner made a great one-handed stab on the high snap - no harm, no foul).

Groundhog's Day

Austin (and the rest of the defensive line) faced double and triple teams all day long.  "Max protect" took on a whole new meaning when Pulaski had the ball.  The result was little pressure and an explosion of offense in the second half when Pulaski went to the air.  Even so, the Bear still looked like an animal out there.

10/8 Pulaski 37 - Lincoln 40 - Homecoming

The new sign.

(Update - for the Parade, Click Here; for the Pommers, Click here).

I kinda feel like like David After Dentist.  Seriously?  Did that just happen?  Did I dream that game?  I mean, as a sports fan, you watch hundreds of games - baseball, football, basketball, hockey, cricket, whatever - just WAITING and HOPING you get to watch a game like this.  You want to share in that experience, that MOMENT.  Because when it happens... Wow.  This was a once-in-ten-years-game.  This was MJ in Salt Lake draining the 19 footer over Bryon Russell.  This was 4th and 26 for Eagles' fans.  This really was "The Catch."  But now it's the new Catch.  I can't believe that Mr. Vance had two interceptions, a huge tackle on 3rd down late in the 4th, and it's foolish to even consider him for player of the game honors.  That's how incredible Eli's game was.

The game started out a little funny: Pulaski's kicker, who had been kicking 50 yard FGs during warm-ups, ripped a line drive on the opening kickoff that bounced into, and out of, and into, and out of, the Hammer's hands.  Pulaski recovered the fumble and it cost us 3 points.   Pulaski's kicker tried the same kick again on the ensuing kickoff: he was trying to nail someone on our front line and have the ball bounce back to a Pulaski player - an unconventional onside kick.  On the second kick, Eli snagged the ball out of the air.  Now, try and understand how difficult that is - the ball was kicked 15 yards away, right at Eli, with the kind of velocity you get from a kid who can hit 50 yard FGs.  It was an athletic play, which is an understatement, and it gave us excellent field position.

(Interesting side-bar: Eli's game wasn't perfect - it only seemed that way - he dropped an easy interception on the opening drive that would have saved 3 points.  But, really, I couldn't care less - Eli played as good of a game as you'll ever see a high schooler play.).

As we all know, the Ships went down 0-10 but roared back, scoring the next 20 points - halftime score 20-10.  Our touchdowns were scored on a Suzuki sweep right, a blocked punt by Eli recovered by Bubba for a TD, and a 40 plus yard TD reception that Tanner put right on the money to Eli.

We all know how the game ended: after going up by three scores, Pulaski realized all they had to do was pass (away from Mr. Vance, of course).  They erased the deficit and took the lead with 2 minutes left in the game.  Tanner promptly threw an INT (trying to force it to Eli) but the defense held.  And I gotta say, I was pissed off when I saw people leaving the game after Tanner's interception.  They deserved to miss the big finish.

Lincoln got the ball back with about 70 seconds left and 79 yards to go.  They got two first downs on receptions by Nick (yeah buddy), another on a crazy scramble by Tanner, and the final one on a pass interference penalty.  With 4 seconds on the clock, Coach D called a play that had 4 WRs from the shotgun formation.  Pistol split wide left and Nick was in the slot.  Eli was split wide right and some (sorry - I forgot) was slot right.  Nick and Pistol crossed (I couldn't tell if they were running post/corner routes or modified if they were modified) on their way to the end zone.  I'm pretty sure the same happened on the other side, but the HTR makes it sound like Eli ran a drag route.  Anyway, Pistol was the primary receiver and Tanner drew back and fired it into the 25 MPH winds... but the ball landed at least 7 yards from its target - Pistol.  Thank God Eli was also 7 yards from that target.  (How did the HTR miss that part of the story?  And, Tanner, did you even see Eli?  I hope you didn't, because that makes an even better story!)

One other note before we get to the pretty pictures: Pulaski got absolutely hosed by the refs.  Hosed.  I'm not complaining, of course, and you take the victory any way you can, but there was a fumble that was never called (Big Cat), a phantom pass interference that was called on Pulaski and shouldn't have been called (D. Dixon), on the final drive, the refs took far too long getting the clock going, giving our players more time to figure out what the hell they were going to do in the hurry-up offense.  I mean, sometimes the refs have a bad day, too.  We got lucky this time.  Very lucky.  Celebrate.  Enjoy the Conference Championship.  But recognize that if you don't fix that pass defense, someone is going to surprise you in the playoffs.  And we don't want that.  Now, let's see some pretty pictures.

Powder Puff Action

She lost the battle but won the war: Paige = Homecoming Queen.  I'll Krump to that!

Exciting action at Ron Rubick Municipal Field Wednesday night!  The junior powder puff squad upset the senior class for the first time in recent memory.  We'll blog that game over at Title IX by tomorrow night and provide a link to it here.  However, since the game prominently featured Nick and Jonah (as coaches for the victorious junior squad), and Paige, First Lady of one of our Men and your 2011 Lincoln Homecoming Queen, we had to put something related to the game on this blog.  Congrats to all the junior ladies for kicking some senior ass, and to Paige for taking it all so well.

------------------UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE!!!------------------

Click HERE for the whole story.

 Click "Read more" for other versions of the above pic.

Meet a Man - Our Interview with Austin

Which way to the gym?

(Editor's note: This is the third installment in a three-part series of weekly interviews with the men who make this blog happen.  Click here for Part I and here for Part II). 

I met the Bear at Pizza Ranch, a new pizza restaurant in town that offers an all-you-can-eat pizza buffet.  Austin had been there for several hours. 

Yo.  I was just about to take a break.  Have a seat.

Krump For Victory

WINNING TEAM!  (Click on picture to animate.)

I'm going to try something new here at Two and a Half Men.  I'm going to insert jump breaks.  For those of you who don't have a clue what I'm talking about, I simply mean you'll have to click the link  below that says "Read more" to take you to the rest of the post.  It'll help me understand how many people are reading this thing and should clean the page up a bit.  I'd ask for your thoughts about it in the comments, but since no one ever comments on anything, I won't waste my breath.  Anyway, I'll reward you for clicking on "Read more" with some sweet GIFs of the Superfans Krumpin' For Victory.

Bear With Me

Austin had another night of fighting double and triple teams.  I was hoping the Ships would play a 4-3 Cover 2 this game due to the Redwings' passing and option attack but instead I saw a lot of modified 3-4.  Maybe not today.  Maybe not tomorrow.  But, someday, soon, Austin will be put in five technique and told to cause havoc in the backfield.  I just hope I'm there when it happens.

Get by two blockers?  Not enough when they have the tailback ready to chip.

This was Austin's best play of the night (that I caught on camera).  Deep penetration into the backfield, blowing up the option and combining with the Hammer and Tyler (who also made good plays here) on a big tackle for loss.

I just don't think it's fair to Austin that he has to get by four blockers to record a sack.  Call me old fashioned.

Classic Austin, though.  Plays within the scheme, doesn't care about numbers, and smiles about the win afterwards.

All Outta Pancakes

Either batter is at a premium or he's saving up for homecoming, because I didn't see a single pancake this week.  And I even brought pure maple syrup to the game...

Hmmmmm... Looks like the Short Order Cook has #51 this week.

Jonah: "Sorry, Big Cat.  That one's on me."

That's more like it.

In any other context, you'd think they were about to kiss.

I have to hand it to him here.  Jonah didn't get the pancake, but watch how he throws this Bic Mac eating hog aside in the next photo.

Those pics were taken less than a second apart, btw.  That makes me think he could handle the 195 class this wrestling season.  Just sayin'.

Smallest player Jonah's blocked all year.  In fact, he asked if this was the JV team.

"There there.  Let it out.  Let it out."

All that hugging blocking is hard work, though.  Looks like he needs something.

I swear he's doing this on purpose.  It's a joke now.  He actually waves at me to make sure I take the picture.

I'd say something, but Suzuki seems like a nice guy... just be glad I didn't have time for Photoshop this week.

Waiting His Turn

Our Hero didn't play a lot at the beginning of the game.  He held like a champ in the kicking game, and blocked on two kickoff returns, but otherwise was absent until the second half.  We still love him, though, and nothing is more exciting than a 3rd and 8 in mop-up duty.

Just in case he gets in.

Soooooo focused on that ball.

Fast-forward to the second half, when our hero lined up under center.

"Holy Holy Holy!  I get to throw a pass!"

"I threw a pass!  Wassup now?  Slant pattern.  Wasn't caught, but had that been Megatron, it was a completion all the way."

Hey, Paige, Nick just threw a pass!  How does that make you feel?

Click on photo to animate.

But that's not all Nick did:

A run!  He gets to run, too!  But it doesn't look like he's getting many yards.  I wonder why not...

That's right.  The only way to tackle him is to cheat.  Facemask.  So obvious that there are 3 flags there.

Don't worry, Paige.  He's alright.  Have some fun.

Click on photo to animate.

9/30 Linoln 38 - Sheboygan South 6

Suzuki was the star of this game, even if the student section gave Mr. Vance MVP honors.  In the 38-6 route, Suzuki ran 18 times for 198 yards, scoring twice.  With Tanner completing just 3 of 13 passes (not all his fault), someone needed to give the offense a boost.  With 11.0 ypc, Suzuki did just that.

Since this blog is read mostly by football players, let's get to the pictures:

What a night for a game!

He's a RUNNING BACK.  You have to hand him the ball.

That's more like it.  And it was Suzuki's first TD of the night.

The defense got an early boost from Bubba, who plucked this baby out of the air and took it to the house.

The Ships still haven't fixed their biggest problem on defense: too many receivers get behind them.

Let's just hope they don't run into a QB who can complete these passes.

After a long option run by South for a touchdown, the Mayor rejected the proposed extra point plan.

Bongo Bongle did not appreciate that scoring drive.  "UNACCEPTABLE!"

The line did a nice job here for Tanner on a 2 yard QB sneak for a TD in the second quarter.

Coach Dixon is more subtle than Bongo Bongle.

Way to climb the ladder for the pick, Mr. Vance...

But you're not Prime Time.  Tuck that ball in!

Only in high school sports: A father calls a play for his son to pass to his other son.  Touchdown.  I loved it.

Some good hits in this one, but Eli didn't have the best.  That honor goes to:

The Mayor's new city revival project involves the decapitation of Redwings.  Honestly, this hit was SICK.  It was so good, the refs didn't know what to do about it, so they threw a flag.  15 yards for being too awesome.

Lest we forget about the trenches, the Island of Austin Morreau was ready to erupt in the 3rd quarter.

Phew.  It would have been weird if this didn't happen.

No matter.  Suzuki enjoyed some great down field blocking (how do the center and tackle get 15 yards down field to block the safety?) for his second TD of the night.

Hmmmmmm.  That's not quite right.  Let's try this:

YEAH BUDDY!  Hammer time!

Mr. Vance had another interception, but I'm not going to show it because he held the ball like this again.  TUCK IT IN!

In fact, I think I'll just show the one you missed, too.

So.  Close.